He Still Carries Me

He Still Carries Me

He used to cradle me
In his massive arms
When I still weighed so little

He used to hold me
My head resting on his shoulder
Even when I started getting heavy

He used to walk for me
My tiny feet
Upon his giant shoes

He never made me feel
As if his shoes
Were mine to fill one day

I am not him
Living a new life

I am me
Living my own

He still cradles babies
It's through his granddaughters
He reminds me how to love unconditionally

He still holds me
In his heart
And on his mind, forever

He still walks for me
He walks while casting no shadow
Because he is a bright, shining light

He never makes me feel
Inadequate or less than him
We are a team

He is my father
Leading me by example

I am his son
Living in awe of him

Living loved
Living inspired

Holding on
Because he's still holding on to me
He will never let go
So neither will I

Never Enough

Never Enough

No matter how many times
I write it down
The darkness won't leave me

No matter how many times
Its permeating presence
Flows out, onto the page

Perhaps it never leaves
Because it might just be
Exactly who I am

Spouting guidance
As if I know where I'm going
As if I'm not falling further away

Further away
From the same light
I merely appear to know so well

A careful balance
Of the internal and external
Hidden away by falsified understanding

A shadow that blinds
Just as well
As the brightest light

Not smart enough
Not kind enough
Not enough

A man who must surely be
Of ulterior motives
With a soulless heart painted gold

Painted gold by the monster himself,
With his own awful hands
His own false identity and deceit

Deceit so powerful
Even he used to believe
That he was good and good enough

A good enough son
With love unconditional
Provided from the moment he was born

A good enough student
With good enough grades
And teachers who built him up

A good enough teacher
Who cares about his kids
And tries to provide the same, unconditional care
He has been so fortunate to always receive

But he's not

He's not good enough

Yes, he is loved
Yes, he is cared about
Yes, he is believed to be good
And yes, he has no justification for feeling this way
This weak and negative way

Yes, he is believed to be good enough
By some

Could he be so needy
To need everyone to believe
In his light?

Could he be so narcissistic
To think that the world around him
Is not enough?

It's not the world's responsibility
To be enough

It's always a struggle
And that's why it's never enough
He will never win the war for balance
He can only win one battle
Just in time to face another

And after enough battles have been fought
The doubt
External and internal both
Will prove to have never faded

Because it's not the truth that matters

The world is too relative
For the truth to matter

The world will see him
It will perceive him
And with his claws out
And fangs made bare
In the eyes of the external
His internal will prove to be weak

His internal will prove to be
Not enough

So, maybe it's time for this weakling's hand
To drop this mighty pen

Maybe it's time for the last battle

Maybe I'll be good enough
When the only thing that has to be
Is the memory of me

Exit Stage; Dead Center Free Fall

Exit Stage; Dead Center Free Fall

I need the script
I forgot my next line
My next step
I don't know
Who to address,
What prop to use,
My motivation.

Their eyes are open
Staring
Glaring
Tearing me down
With every moment of silence

Voiceless
Powerless
Frustrated and scared
But I'm not allowed to show it
Unless

Unless I can give up on overcoming the fear
Unless I can give up on overcoming
Unless I can give up
Unless I give up
I give up

Free falling from the center of the stage
No crowd surfing
Just the inevitable collision
As the crowd separates to watch
The one part they want to see

I try to say goodbye
Before it's over
But people are watching
Not listening

So, I collapse
Silently losing the fight
Against gravity in all its forms
In my silence, I reach down for

The end

The Ripple Effect

The Ripple Effect

Golden hearts beat in the rhythm of the ripple
The ripple that changes lives
For the better.
The ripple that changes the lives,
That will then change the lives...
That will then change the lives,
That will then change the world
For the better.
You might see yourself
As a drop in the bucket,
But I can assure you
That on this day
You have changed my life.
You have saved my life.
Thank you changing me
For the better.
Thank you for saving my life.
Thank you.

Games

Games

My heart is no toy,
So don't be playing games

Don't roll the dice
To decide whether or not
You love me.

Don't go drawing from the deck
To decide if I'm worth
Your time.

Don't move me around the board,
Taking control of me,
Gripping my heart in dominance.

I'm not your prize to win.
I'm not your trophy to treasure.

I won't play your game.
I quit.
And so should you.

Looking for Light

Looking for Light

Why waste time
On ears unopen
Hearts not listening?

Why go searching
In a wasteland
For life, for sustenance?

Why?

For hope.

For a hope that
Even in the darkest of corners
Light can find its way in.

It is not time wasted
It is time spent growing

Growing stronger
Growing smarter
Growing ever more caring

It is time spent

Time spent in value