Never Enough

Never Enough

No matter how many times
I write it down
The darkness won't leave me

No matter how many times
Its permeating presence
Flows out, onto the page

Perhaps it never leaves
Because it might just be
Exactly who I am

Spouting guidance
As if I know where I'm going
As if I'm not falling further away

Further away
From the same light
I merely appear to know so well

A careful balance
Of the internal and external
Hidden away by falsified understanding

A shadow that blinds
Just as well
As the brightest light

Not smart enough
Not kind enough
Not enough

A man who must surely be
Of ulterior motives
With a soulless heart painted gold

Painted gold by the monster himself,
With his own awful hands
His own false identity and deceit

Deceit so powerful
Even he used to believe
That he was good and good enough

A good enough son
With love unconditional
Provided from the moment he was born

A good enough student
With good enough grades
And teachers who built him up

A good enough teacher
Who cares about his kids
And tries to provide the same, unconditional care
He has been so fortunate to always receive

But he's not

He's not good enough

Yes, he is loved
Yes, he is cared about
Yes, he is believed to be good
And yes, he has no justification for feeling this way
This weak and negative way

Yes, he is believed to be good enough
By some

Could he be so needy
To need everyone to believe
In his light?

Could he be so narcissistic
To think that the world around him
Is not enough?

It's not the world's responsibility
To be enough

It's always a struggle
And that's why it's never enough
He will never win the war for balance
He can only win one battle
Just in time to face another

And after enough battles have been fought
The doubt
External and internal both
Will prove to have never faded

Because it's not the truth that matters

The world is too relative
For the truth to matter

The world will see him
It will perceive him
And with his claws out
And fangs made bare
In the eyes of the external
His internal will prove to be weak

His internal will prove to be
Not enough

So, maybe it's time for this weakling's hand
To drop this mighty pen

Maybe it's time for the last battle

Maybe I'll be good enough
When the only thing that has to be
Is the memory of me