Xzistense Resolved

Xzistense Resolved

What better me
To be
Than the memory

Thoughts of the past
Made greater by nostalgia

Thoughts of what was
Made greater by the lack of failure
Inevitable failure
Of who I was sure to be

What I could be
Will always be
Better than what I ever am

I could be a memory
Greater than this travesty
Of mistakes
And lessons learned...

Too late

Therefore lessons learned
Without value

So I exit
Uneducated
Unresolved
Unfulfilled
And without doubt
That this is the better
The better me
The me of only

Strictly

Memory

Serenity Lost

Serenity Lost

I am without
The strength of a husband
Within me
Are heartbeats too few
To spare

I am without
The strength of a father
Within me
Is care compressed in time,
Limits, and conditions

I am without
The strength of a brother
Within me
Is a vacuum void of light
Capable of guiding

I am without
The strength of a son
Within me is gratitude overdone
And therefore disingenuous
Towards those most deserving of only what's real

I am without
The strength of a friend
Within me
Are needs too many
And gifts too few

I am without
The strength of a teacher
Within me
Are no lessons left
No lectures, speeches, nor anecdotes

I am without strength
And likely always was
After all, what kind of strength
Taps out at twenty-eight?

Living With Anxiety

Living With Anxiety

With every step
My heart strains
As if that last stair
Could be the last stair

I stagger into bed
My head falling upon pillows
Cushions meant for comfort
Cause the damn to collapse

My defenses are down
And the demons creep in
Demons born of my weaknesses

The weakness of fear
All-consuming doubt

The weakness of anger
Mostly turned inward

The weakness of obscurity
Never standing with a sense of clarity

The weakness of weakness
Unable to stand strong
No matter who
Tries so hard
Cares so much
To pull me to my feet

No matter how much others believe
No matter how many others there are

I stagger up stairs
With a heart as weak
As the rest of me

And once that small wall of strength
Melts away without a fight
That stair
Will be the last stair

And being weak
Or being strong
Won't matter anymore

And losing the fight to my weaknesses
Won't matter anymore

It just won't matter
Anymore

According to Time

According to Time

The pendulum swings
According to time

The bells in my head ring
According to time

The cage builds up around me
According to time

The lock clicks shut
According to time

Hanging from the inside walls of the cage
Is a schedule
A false sense of control
A checklist meant to make me believe
I will outlast the cage

According to time
I could never outlast the cage

Inspired Uninspiring

Inspired Uninspiring

If I had to
I'd always be true
But you haven't made it to me yet

So instead I try
Do my best not to lie
But here I am again, fooling myself

Truth is
There is
No guarantee
That out there
Your walking down a road
That will lead you to me

Truth is
There is
A real chance
That our two paths
Will not cross
Or, worse yet, they already have
And will not again

How did we miss it?
If it already happened
If we already met one another
How did it not happen
Between us?

This skip in my rhythm
The missing beat
I know it's you

But it's my heart
My rhythm to change
I think...

I don't know
Truth is
There is
A very good chance
I just really don't know

How am I supposed to be inspired
By wisdom I can't comprehend?
How am I supposed to write from the heart
When I don't know how it works?

Just about every time
I write about this
I feel as if I'm paraphrasing
Putting my rhythmic spin
On wisdom that has never been mine

I listen, research, and synthesize
I cite my sources, show them appreciation,
And I keep myself open to further lessons

I am the one who catalogs
What he doesn't know

I am the one who observes
What he doesn't have

I am the one that stands a leader
Better suited to be a follower

I am the one who will keep writing
In regards to what he doesn't understand

Journey

Journey

You said you found me
You lied

You said you saw me
You lied

You said you'd bring me back
You lied

The truth is
Your eyes are closed
To what I am
And can become

And no,
No you did not see
What you wanted to see
Some warped version of me
To fit your reality

You saw nothing
With your closed eyes
Your mechanical heart
And your need for my conformity

I need not your welcome
To this world
Because it does not belong
To the blind

It also does not belong
To the widest of open eyes

It belongs to no one
And it always has
And will forever

Reality is ours within which
To exist
Not to recreate
Not to splinter
But to choose

We are not the pathmakers
We are the pathfinders

Green

Green

Empty tears flow
From eyes without strength

A cycle repeats
And with each passing
Takes another piece

Logic would claim
That only so many pieces
Can be taken
Before there are no more

Logic is right
Logic is wrong

There is a finite supply
Of pieces of strength
Of will
Of fight

Fight against
Fight for
The fight

The fight to take back
What was only ever meant
To be yours