Xzistense Resolved

Xzistense Resolved

What better me
To be
Than the memory

Thoughts of the past
Made greater by nostalgia

Thoughts of what was
Made greater by the lack of failure
Inevitable failure
Of who I was sure to be

What I could be
Will always be
Better than what I ever am

I could be a memory
Greater than this travesty
Of mistakes
And lessons learned...

Too late

Therefore lessons learned
Without value

So I exit
Uneducated
Unresolved
Unfulfilled
And without doubt
That this is the better
The better me
The me of only

Strictly

Memory

Serenity Lost

Serenity Lost

I am without
The strength of a husband
Within me
Are heartbeats too few
To spare

I am without
The strength of a father
Within me
Is care compressed in time,
Limits, and conditions

I am without
The strength of a brother
Within me
Is a vacuum void of light
Capable of guiding

I am without
The strength of a son
Within me is gratitude overdone
And therefore disingenuous
Towards those most deserving of only what's real

I am without
The strength of a friend
Within me
Are needs too many
And gifts too few

I am without
The strength of a teacher
Within me
Are no lessons left
No lectures, speeches, nor anecdotes

I am without strength
And likely always was
After all, what kind of strength
Taps out at twenty-eight?

Living With Anxiety

Living With Anxiety

With every step
My heart strains
As if that last stair
Could be the last stair

I stagger into bed
My head falling upon pillows
Cushions meant for comfort
Cause the damn to collapse

My defenses are down
And the demons creep in
Demons born of my weaknesses

The weakness of fear
All-consuming doubt

The weakness of anger
Mostly turned inward

The weakness of obscurity
Never standing with a sense of clarity

The weakness of weakness
Unable to stand strong
No matter who
Tries so hard
Cares so much
To pull me to my feet

No matter how much others believe
No matter how many others there are

I stagger up stairs
With a heart as weak
As the rest of me

And once that small wall of strength
Melts away without a fight
That stair
Will be the last stair

And being weak
Or being strong
Won't matter anymore

And losing the fight to my weaknesses
Won't matter anymore

It just won't matter
Anymore