Brotherhood Fourth

Brotherhood Fourth

Born fourth
The fourth and final brother
A small child
Who grew up, up, up
To stand among the trees

And stand tall
He does
In the face of challengers and challenges

He is my brother
He is an artist
With time, patience, and hope
He may grow taller still

Brotherhood Third

Brotherhood Third

Born third
Born listening to music
Born with a father's heart
A man with dreams
Dreams for himself
And his family

He loves
Provides and cares
Unconditionally

He is my brother
He is a husband
He is a father
He makes me proud

Brotherhood Second

Brotherhood Second

Born second
Born crying
Born uncertain
A follower of those
Stronger
Wiser
Braver

I may be the tallest
But in many ways
I am the runt

Thankfully, I have my brothers
To lift me up
Keep me standing
And carry me if they must

Brotherhood First

Brotherhood First

Born first
Born strong
Born kind
A hero to those who came after.
That hero was taken,
But never forgotten.

We keep him memory
Of once was
We keep him in hope
Of what could be

He is my brother
He was my hero
He is forever with me
Here in my heart

Defining Oneself

Defining Oneself

What have I been
But a constant
Yet evolving definition
Of no one other
Than myself?

An entry in life's volume
With chapters
And sections
Paragraphs and sentences
Of various lengths
With various purposes

Special crossover events
And one shot stories
Annuals both repetitive
Yet somehow special
An epic in length
Even if not in scale

The greater epic
Is the volume to which
I fulfill my duty
As merely a contributor

This epic volume
Has been
And will forever be
No matter the degree of significance
Of my contribution

It is not my place
To be significant
It is my place
To be but a small story
Worth writing, not necessarily telling

A small story
Worthy of the ink and pages
Even if it's never read
Even if it's never an influence
On the stories that do matter on an epic scale

It is my story
And it must matter
At least to me
Even if it's only to me

So, I will fill the page
With something that makes the page
Worth turning

Why Genuine Silver?

Why Genuine Silver?

Why, one may ask,
Would I turn to silver
To describe my poetry?

Why would I choose
A substance second best
To the gold cherished

The answer:

I am a piece of genuine silver,
Second-best to whatever better future
I make for myself
With the help of those
Who care the most about me.

Thank you to my family
My friends
My students

Thank you to those of you
I've never met,
But may have inspired with what I write

Thank you
All of you
For accepting this second-best version
This genuine piece of silver

He Still Carries Me

He Still Carries Me

He used to cradle me
In his massive arms
When I still weighed so little

He used to hold me
My head resting on his shoulder
Even when I started getting heavy

He used to walk for me
My tiny feet
Upon his giant shoes

He never made me feel
As if his shoes
Were mine to fill one day

I am not him
Living a new life

I am me
Living my own

He still cradles babies
It's through his granddaughters
He reminds me how to love unconditionally

He still holds me
In his heart
And on his mind, forever

He still walks for me
He walks while casting no shadow
Because he is a bright, shining light

He never makes me feel
Inadequate or less than him
We are a team

He is my father
Leading me by example

I am his son
Living in awe of him

Living loved
Living inspired

Holding on
Because he's still holding on to me
He will never let go
So neither will I

Never Enough

Never Enough

No matter how many times
I write it down
The darkness won't leave me

No matter how many times
Its permeating presence
Flows out, onto the page

Perhaps it never leaves
Because it might just be
Exactly who I am

Spouting guidance
As if I know where I'm going
As if I'm not falling further away

Further away
From the same light
I merely appear to know so well

A careful balance
Of the internal and external
Hidden away by falsified understanding

A shadow that blinds
Just as well
As the brightest light

Not smart enough
Not kind enough
Not enough

A man who must surely be
Of ulterior motives
With a soulless heart painted gold

Painted gold by the monster himself,
With his own awful hands
His own false identity and deceit

Deceit so powerful
Even he used to believe
That he was good and good enough

A good enough son
With love unconditional
Provided from the moment he was born

A good enough student
With good enough grades
And teachers who built him up

A good enough teacher
Who cares about his kids
And tries to provide the same, unconditional care
He has been so fortunate to always receive

But he's not

He's not good enough

Yes, he is loved
Yes, he is cared about
Yes, he is believed to be good
And yes, he has no justification for feeling this way
This weak and negative way

Yes, he is believed to be good enough
By some

Could he be so needy
To need everyone to believe
In his light?

Could he be so narcissistic
To think that the world around him
Is not enough?

It's not the world's responsibility
To be enough

It's always a struggle
And that's why it's never enough
He will never win the war for balance
He can only win one battle
Just in time to face another

And after enough battles have been fought
The doubt
External and internal both
Will prove to have never faded

Because it's not the truth that matters

The world is too relative
For the truth to matter

The world will see him
It will perceive him
And with his claws out
And fangs made bare
In the eyes of the external
His internal will prove to be weak

His internal will prove to be
Not enough

So, maybe it's time for this weakling's hand
To drop this mighty pen

Maybe it's time for the last battle

Maybe I'll be good enough
When the only thing that has to be
Is the memory of me

Exit Stage; Dead Center Free Fall

Exit Stage; Dead Center Free Fall

I need the script
I forgot my next line
My next step
I don't know
Who to address,
What prop to use,
My motivation.

Their eyes are open
Staring
Glaring
Tearing me down
With every moment of silence

Voiceless
Powerless
Frustrated and scared
But I'm not allowed to show it
Unless

Unless I can give up on overcoming the fear
Unless I can give up on overcoming
Unless I can give up
Unless I give up
I give up

Free falling from the center of the stage
No crowd surfing
Just the inevitable collision
As the crowd separates to watch
The one part they want to see

I try to say goodbye
Before it's over
But people are watching
Not listening

So, I collapse
Silently losing the fight
Against gravity in all its forms
In my silence, I reach down for

The end

The Ripple Effect

The Ripple Effect

Golden hearts beat in the rhythm of the ripple
The ripple that changes lives
For the better.
The ripple that changes the lives,
That will then change the lives...
That will then change the lives,
That will then change the world
For the better.
You might see yourself
As a drop in the bucket,
But I can assure you
That on this day
You have changed my life.
You have saved my life.
Thank you changing me
For the better.
Thank you for saving my life.
Thank you.

Games

Games

My heart is no toy,
So don't be playing games

Don't roll the dice
To decide whether or not
You love me.

Don't go drawing from the deck
To decide if I'm worth
Your time.

Don't move me around the board,
Taking control of me,
Gripping my heart in dominance.

I'm not your prize to win.
I'm not your trophy to treasure.

I won't play your game.
I quit.
And so should you.

Looking for Light

Looking for Light

Why waste time
On ears unopen
Hearts not listening?

Why go searching
In a wasteland
For life, for sustenance?

Why?

For hope.

For a hope that
Even in the darkest of corners
Light can find its way in.

It is not time wasted
It is time spent growing

Growing stronger
Growing smarter
Growing ever more caring

It is time spent

Time spent in value

Sometimes

Sometimes

Sometimes, there is no resolution
In completion
Only deletion

Sometimes, without you
I feel true
In light of the greater view

Sometimes, you can't see
See me bleed
So completely

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I'm done
Sometimes, I'm gone
Sometimes, there is no more time

The Struggle Neverending

The Struggle Neverending

Camouflage the truth
So it hurts a little less
A little
Not a lot
Pain is so rarely put to rest

It's the reason why
We're up at night
Refusing to sleep,
To stop
It's the fight that never ends

Never does it stop
And neither do we

Process, Perception, Progress

Process, Perception, Progress

Look at the world around you
Use your eyes to see
That you cannot possibly,
Because you have just your two eyes
And there's an infinite galaxy

Perceive your place;
That it will be
A balanced definition
Coming from without
As much as from within

With this balance
With patience
With a concerted effort

Progress to the next
Whether that be a second
Or it be a matter outside of time
It's your progress to make;
Your balance to achieve

Once seeing is replaced by perceiving
You can progress in processing
Processing all the negative
In balance with the positive
And you can balance your internal progression
With external support

No, you're not alone
And, yes you are
We say there is gray
Not in replacement of the black and white
But in acceptance of both

Perceive them both
Process them both
Then you can progress
Into the gray

Where the darkness teaches its harshest,
Most important
Lessons

Where the light teaches its harshest,
Most important
Lessons

Did you expect triumph in one?
Struggle in the other?

The whole of it is triumph and struggle
You don't get to separate them
One is nothing
Without the other

In the darkness we struggle
Struggle to accept its inevitable presence
In our lives
We triumph in darkness
Taking it with us
To the next

In the light we struggle
Struggle to accept we might just deserve it
And to accept that at times we don't
And to accept that sometimes it's at the same time
That we do and don't
Moving forward to the next

So, what's next?
Sometimes, you'll decide
And sometimes you won't

Welcome to the gray

Thank you for sharing your triumphs and struggles

Thank you for being a part of what's next

Risky

Risky

A mortal's life
Defined by making choices
So many different choices
At every step
In every moment

And yet
Despite the variety,
The consistent lack
Of consistency
In the nature of these challenges

There is one truth
One truth about the nature of
Challenges
Choices
Changes

Simply remember this:
Making choices
Is always risk taking
Facing challenges
Is always risk taking
Going through changes
Is always risk taking

Making
Facing
Going

All of it
Is taking

Every gift given
Must then be taken

So take this gift
Into your heart
Risk each beat
For the next one

Regurgitated Culture (Gaining A's)

Regurgitated Culture (Gaining A's)

Do to not tell me
That I didn't succeed
When a kid with low test scores
Finally learned to read

Learned to read
Learned to want to read
Learned to love to read

Do not tell me
That I failed to see
The needs of my students
When the kids with the C's
Finally learned to love what they see

In others
In themselves
In what it means to be free

Free of a regurgitated system
Ruled over by dictators
Hiding behind the title of Policymakers

Hiding in their gluttonous bank accounts
While the children they're supposed to serve
Starve for personalized enlightenment

So what, you can't
Solve the equation their way AND
Write the greatest essay their way AND
Be the next award-winning historian their way AND
The next Nobel scientist their way AND
The star athlete AND
The one with the most community service hours AND
The one with straight A's AND
The number one in the class AND
A loving brother or sister AND
A devoted friend AND
Club president AND
Student government leader AND
Scholarship winner AND
Do all of this without

Without sleep
Without nutrition
Without love
Without compassion
Without kindness
Without time

So you can't be everything all at once
Without losing everything you are?

Something not even a Policymaker
As soulless as they may be
Could ever accomplish

That no human being could ever be

So, set the impossible standards
And then accuse these innocent souls of failure

Go ahead!

Especially when the accusers are no better
Worse! In fact
Having sold out their virtue for control

Control that isn't even really theirs
Policymakers? Ha!
Try well-paid puppets

A wise person once encouraged us
To be, learn, and grow within your own, personal self

Be good at being you
And work to make sure
That who you are is a part
Of the better tomorrow

The better tomorrow
That those lost to their avarice
Cannot begin to see

Cannot begin to take away
Not so long as we refuse

Refuse to be them
And continue to be us

In Memory Of

In Memory Of

In memory of
The memories that have since passed
Lost to time's decay
An inevitable casualty
Of temporal progress
And mindlessness

In memory of
These memories
I weep and don't know why

In memory of
The memories being made
Gathered, collected, gained
Through experience
And experience thrills, enlightens
Scars and burns
Seemingly without reason

In memory of
These memories
I grow broken, bruised, better

In memory of
The memories yet to be made
The twists and turns
To be remembered
But not anticipated

In memory of
These memories
I step in no certain direction

With no more memories to make

Teardrop Erosion

Teardrop Erosion

Why
Must I hurt
To learn?

Why
Must I bleed
To feel?

Why
Must I sow my seed of hope
In my own open veins?

Why
Must the light upon whatever grows
Cast a shadow?

Why
Do tears fall so quickly
When I need to keep them?

Why
Do tears stay, strain, and erode
When I need them hidden?

Why
Must tears be what waters
The seeds buried in my lacerations?

When
Does this
Stop?

Drop

Drop

Drop...

Worthy

Worthy

I find within myself
No desire
To be desired

A belief from within
That before others will believe
I must believe
That I'm worth believing in

In my heart
I carry no wish
To be wished for
By another

I want me
To need me
To love me
To cherish me

I want to feel
As though I might just be

Worth

More

Penny for Your Promise

Penny for Your Promise

It doesn't take
All the riches in the world
It just takes one

One penny

One penny from up off the ground
Picked up and given
In kindness

One penny

One penny to prove
That you've a heart
Made of gold

One penny

One penny to take a thought
And turn it into memory
Never forgotten

One penny

To buy my heart

Last Words

Last Words

The depressed are not broken
The depressed are not needy
The depressed are not annoying

The depressed have been told
Far too many times
(Considering that once is more than should be heard)
That they are
Broken
Needy
Annoying

The depressed were searching
The depressed were wanting
The depressed were asking

The depressed were hoping to find
A willing hand to pick them up
To embrace them with open arms
With an open mind
Compassionate heart
Loving soul
And patient kindness

They were

When they said their last words

Longing for a return to happiness
Torn from them
By despair's indiscriminate claws

Now, however, with their last words spoken

They will be remembered
Until the memory hurts too much

Then they will be mourned
Until the mourning takes too much

Then they simply
Will have been

Burning the Candle

Burning the Candle

Who are you?

Who are you
When there's no one around to ask?
No one to hear the answer?

Who are you
When you don't know?
Haven't known for so long?

Who are you
When you have your chips on the table?
Cards down?

Who are you
When there are no chips and cards?
No game?

Who are you
When it's not about you?
But the others don't know?

Who are you
When the others don't care?
When the others don't even know
That they don't care?

Who are you
When the question is too much
And your answer is not enough?

Who are you?

Oh, for life's sake!

Who?
Are?
You?

The longer your time to answer

The less of the candle is left
To burn

Dis

Dis

They say the drink
Disinhibits

And is therefore
Dishonest

Clouded thoughts
Unchallenged

As if that challenge
Is true
Is right
Is the real, genuine
Reality

We the poets
Artists
Musicians

We who escape
Our minds

For us, the drink,
Whatever it may be

Can be the key

The key that
Disengages

From an unaccepting reality

For us
The challenge is not truth
It is a challenge
And only a challenge

Challenges are cages
And cages are to be opened

Disengage the lock

And release

But don't let go

Please

Don't let go

Together

Together

I sit alone
I am alone

I stand alone
I am alone

I walk alone
I am alone

I cry
Smile
Laugh
Break
And regain

Alone

I am you
You are me

We are alone

Categorized

Categorized

I am from my past,
But I am not trapped by it

I am present,
But I am not one to stand still
To stay here forever

I am for their future
And I am not enough for my own

I am, for some, their first smile of the day
And for others, their only encouragement

However, I am not to be mistaken
As a man made of sunshine and smiles

I am a man with pain
With fear of isolation and personal ineptitude

I am not to be categorized as anything
Anything
Anything, other than
The second best version of myself.

Coliseum Crowns

Coliseum Crowns

Televised monotony
Pseudo-celebrity
Coliseum crowns
Placed upon the heads
Of our modern gladiators

We laugh
The laughing fools

While our comedic targets
Live in enslaved freedom

Owning our time and thoughts
But never the truth

We would gladly follow
Away from the truth
Of individuality,
Intellect,
Emotion,
And experience

Microwaved diets
And short-circuited minds

Zombified attachment

No legacy to leave behind

Not if it can't be posted,
Liked, shared, and followed

Actors

Actors

Drama's curtain
Knows no bounds
Since, stated truly:
All the world's a stage

Childish Cadence

Childish Cadence

You think I owe you
That you own my debt
But mine is to a greater calling

You did, indeed, once listen
With a heart
That might just match
The consistently inconsistent
Tones of my voice

My voice, you see
Not only hear, but see
As it mezmorizes
With colors and cadence

But you went blind
The moment you told me
My heart was that of a child's

Grow up!
You said

I need a man!
You said

You're still such a boy!
You accused

You stabbed into the colors
Broke the cadence

And made for yourself
A man

You duel with the broken

Incomplete

But never lost

Making Mistakes

Making Mistakes

What's the next mistake?
After all,
It's most definitely coming
Because that's what one does

One makes mistakes
Two makes mistakes
Three, four, five
Everyone

Makes mistakes

Sometimes
Your brain puts those mistakes
On a list

And instead of counting sheep
Falling dreamily to sleep
You count the items
Staring nightmarishly with blood shot eyes

Staring out at nothing
As you can only lie there
In memory
Guilty memory

Longing to forget
What cannot be forgotten

Knowing it will happen again

Petals and Thorns

Petals and Thorns

To a rose
Serenity is simple
It is the only truth
The passage of time

Whether its petals be in hiding or full bloom

So long as there is time
The rose exists
Without protest
Without demand

We pass by it
Occasionally, we smell it
But it does not move
Not even when we move it

The rose is acted upon
By those that share in its existence

And with its calm
With its serenity
It inspires

Then, at its end
It continues

It creates

Canvas Calligraphy

Canvas Calligraphy

When the brush
Meets the pen
A world of color
Mixes with the ink
And the eyes,
Minds,
And Hearts of the people
Are opened

Human Interaction

Human Interaction

Two blues crash at the horizon
I can hear the melancholy of their ferocity
They battle, but without fervor
They clash, but without passion

They collide simply because it is their nature
Moved by unseen forces

Are we horizon's advent
Only when we crash?

Is it the result that we share,
The destination, or the journey?

My Angel Baby: For My Sister

My Angel Baby: For My Sister

From your first kamehameha
To your eventual first boyfriend
I'll be there for you
My Angel Baby

Answers in the Search (5): Consideration

Answers in the Search (5):  Consideration

So, why try
When you could fly
Away from it all
With one decision?

One choice made
In one moment

It all started
With a choice

More decisions made
With each passing day

So, of course,
It must end
One way or the other

With a choice

Answers in the Search (4): No Escape

Answers in the Search (4):  No Escape

You don't see it coming:
The flood.
Not with your eyes flooding,
Tears flowing,
As if they may never stop.

We know these salty drops
By their names:
Pain, sadness, tragedy, happiness, and mystery.
An infinite abstraction
For a single drop made of a mere dozen ingredients:

Water, mucin, lipids, lysozyme,
Lactoferin, lipocalin, immunoglobulins,
Glucose, urea, sodium, and potassium.
Tears should be nothing more than this,
An easily synthesized compound.

And yet

When they pour from our eyes,
They do so in response
To what could never be synthesized.

This is the reality
That closes your eyes
The same reality
That opens them again.

This is the same reality
That is both the darkness
And the light.

So, where's the escape?

Answers in the Search (3): Tiptoe the Precipice

Answers in the Search (3):  Tiptoe the Precipice

Crossing lines
In both positive
And negative
Directions

Directions
Drawn as lines
Written as lines
That curve and cross
Forming guides
Forming commands

So you tell yourself
To go one way
Sometimes you follow that line
Walking backwards along your edge

Your limit

Just as you begin to believe
That old lines fade
As new lines are etched
At the edge of the light
Pushing back the darkness

You are shown the truth
In the blindness

The old lines
Never fade
They wait in the falsified light
Made deceptively real
By the encroaching darkness

Answers in the Search (2): Thin Gray Line

Answers in the Search (2):  Thin Gray Line

I should have known
Even in the darkness
I am alone

It is blinding
It is deafening
It is numbing

If there is anyone here
I'll never find them

There is no escaping loneliness

In the end you
Are all of you

No one else resides within

You are
At all times
A singular being

Alone and loneliness
Are not the same

But even within this darkness
I can see the thin gray line
Between the two

Answers in the Search

Answers in the Search

You come at me
With your alibis
But you and I both know
It's just a bunch of lies

I grew close to you
Grew to trust you
To want you
Love you

And for what?
So you could show me
What it means to hurt alone?
Cry alone?
Feel useless alone?

So alone
That I'd rather be
Anything
But alone

It seems crowded
In the dark

Maybe I'll go there...

Under the Oak Tree

Under the Oak Tree

You can find me
Beneath the oak tree
Its shade provides
For me, a place to hide

A place to remain cool
While looking out at the school
Of sunlight goldfish swimming
Bright hope's future shining

From under the oak tree
I believe
Looking up into its full branches
With the leaves, exchanging glances

Trading secrets, we smile green and white
Fearing, for not a moment, the coming night
The darkness is not our enemy
It provides a balancing serenity

This oak and I
We both grow high
Bathed in sunlight
Wrapped in moonlight

You can find me
Under the oak tree

My Parents: The Soulmates

My Parents: The Soulmates

My father once told me
The key to a forever kind of love
Is to find the kind of love
That doesn't take so much work

Your job
Your finances
Your failures
Your demons

These are the kinds of things
That require work

Your love
For your forever someone

That should be
The solution to all these problems

A forever love
Is forever capable
Forever true
Forever stronger

There is power in eternity
A power forever greater
Than any problem

Sensational

Sensational

Speak those beautiful words to me
She says

What could be more beautiful than
To hear those words
To see them pass from lover's lips
To feel them course through your body
To catch the scent of purpose in them
To taste those same lips that say

I love you

Fear's Greatest Fear

Fear's Greatest Fear

The icy grip of fear
Tightens all the more
On the hearts that beat the fastest

It would clutch forever
In determined agony
It would squeeze even a heart frozen

And so, through the seasons
Fear persists

With new life
A heart beats to keep this gift
And, in fear, the world is new

With kindness and compassion
A heart begins to beat for others
And, in fear of loss, the grip tightens

With a look
A heart stops, having to remember how to beat
Even though it will never beat the same way again

This is fear's storm

At this time
More so than ever before
You are afraid

You've discovered the heart
That yours beats for
And you could lose them

This is fear's winter

But what's this now?
A grip so warm, calming
Freeing

This is fear's thaw

This is love.

Choices

Choices

There's a delicate deliciousness
To the sweet things in life
It's the kind of fleeting sensation
That almost always leaves you wanting more

Almost

You see, there's a hidden bitterness
At the center of the deceptive delicacy
A certainty proven false
A chance proven to truly be merely that

A chance

And what is a chance?
It's everything
You can take it, make the most of it,
And the consequences follow

They always follow

The thing is you can't follow thereafter.
Once the consequences start leading
You miss all the chances
And you can no longer tell the difference

Between bitter and sweet

It all just tastes the same
Because, in a way, it always did
But you made the choice
To believe otherwise

The choice for faith

Faith in your self
Faith in your future

Each day may feel the same
But you could choose to treat each

Like something new

No Place For Kindness

No Place For Kindness

The sight is darkened
The sound is silenced

As the world claims one more

The smell is rotting
The taste is nauseating

As the world claims one more

The touch goes numb

As the world claims one more

The heartbeat stiffens
Pumped full of the world's poison
A poison spread by those in pain
People who choose only one way
To process pain:

Unleash it upon others

So, the world claims another
Having been the first one claimed
Unable to stop this spread, this epidemic

Another is claimed until

Another is claimed for the last time

Venomous

Venomous

Let me carve out my heart
So I can hold it out to you

That you might sink in with the daggers
You call teeth

Cut me deep
With the things you say
These words of truth
True, vindictive venom

You dig in
Cutting off my pulse
To body and mind

You leave me numb
You leave me without dreams

As I trudge through your injected nightmares
It's clear that finishing me off
Would be mercy

So you don't

Hearts

Hearts

One must open their heart
For it to be filled
But an open heart
Is prone to spill

And out pours everything
You let flow in

This is the heart
This is its delicate strength

Artistic Expression

Artistic Expression

We cry out
With words

We cry
The tears flowing down our faces

We cry out

In pride
In joy

In fear
In contempt

We cry so very much

Leaving broken hearts
And puddles of tears
As we leap back and forth
Across the spectrum

At at times
We don't leap

We walk
We crawl

We beg others to drag us

But we keep moving
Growing
Learning from the struggle

Some of us cry upon the canvas
With rhythmic rivers of red
And cold blossoms blue

Some of us cry out the notes
That will save
The broken rhythm of red heartbeats gone cold

Some of us cry into the inkwell
And with dipped pen
We put our heartbeat rivers and blossoms to the page

The spectrum is

An amalgam mosaic
A contradictory chorus
A paradoxical prose

In all forms that it can be

The spectrum is to be

Expressed

Remembered

Remembered

Hold on,

By the grip of your fingertips.

Remember,

I'm easy to forget.

No impression made

Reason left without

Without substance

Without heart

Should I slip

From your memory's

Fingertip grasp

It will be subtle

Too subtle to notice

Just how sudden

Transparency

Transparency

Transparency is freeing
They say
Who's "They"
And what do they know?

Is their freedom in fear?
Is their freedom in betrayal?
Is their freedom in broken hope?

Is their freedom, really
In being so exposed?

Is their freedom in bleeding exposure?
Is their freedom in public tears?
Is their freedom in posted pain?

Is their freedom, really
In connecting through transparency?

I feel more caged than ever
Wincing away from mistakes
That have grown too big
Too damning
Too harming

Too permanent

So, freedom in transparency?
Yeah, maybe, but only if
I welcome the reality
Because it's going to hurt

It's going to hurt
And people will know I'm hurting,
That I failed so completely
I actually went and made things worse

For others

This is the gift of transparency
Truly, the gift of its freedom
As my own guilt
Puts me in a cage

So then I cry out
Oh, woe is me
And people will hear me
Through the transparency

But I did the damage
I am owed no pity
Deserve no state of woe

And people will know
They know
Because I let them

Welcome to freedom

Bring Down the Walls

Bring Down the Walls

If you wouldn't put up these walls
I wouldn't feel imprisoned

But you smile
Without being happy
You laugh
Knowing no true joy
You cry
Without a soul coursing

Through your veins

Veins that course
Through both mind
And heart
Veins that course
Through every last square inch

Your heart pumps inhibitions
Straight into your brain
Building lies made apparently true
By the forced repression of adulthood and success

With time
Walls are built
Doubt placed at the impossible top
So far away
You could never reach it
And bring it
And the walls

Down

But that's where I go
Because feeling is supposedly weakness
And you are supposedly strong

Live within your walls

I will love my freedom

Heroes of Mine, True Inspirations

Heroes of Mine, True Inspirations

Start Strong!
Stay Strong!
Finish Strong!

It starts with step zero
The step you have to take
Before you even step into the gym

Faith

Faith in yourself
Faith in your teammates and coaches
Faith in this family

It continues with step one
The ball is tossed into the air
And you send it flying at the opponent

Should they manage
To return your serve
They best prepare for your 3! 4! 5!

You've already taken care of step two
You're in position
Ready to smash

Step three
Bump!
Step four
Set!
Step five
Spike!

Zero to five
In the span of a single point's time
Together, it gets done

Again
And again
And again

Together we are!
Together we are!
Together!
We!
Are!

Lady Warriors!!!

Fear

Fear

The fear can
And will
Beat you at times

You, in turn,
Will learn
From both victory and defeat

With what you learn
You will then be armed
Against the known foe

The foe may change
In form and time
But it's the same foe you've known

It will be the same foe you've known
Since the very first time
You felt it clutch at your courage

It will be

It will be
That doubt
A fear so true

It disguises itself
As inevitable failure
But there is a greater truth

Truly, I assure you
That beneath, behind, hidden
By the mask

The mask conceals
The fear you have
That you just might succeed

For only in you, yours, yourself
Can you find genuine success
Amongst the confusing paradox

Fear prevents
And fear enables
The truest contradiction

So, I guess
You'll just have to
Remedy the paradox

I'd be happy to tell you
What it is
And how to use it

This remedy

Balance

Release, Sweet Release

Release, Sweet Release

Drip
Drip
That forever sip

That sip
That holds promise
That holds strong
Onto your mind

Why would you
Want to be held

So tightly?

Drip
Drip
It flows past the lip

Down into the pit
Of a person
One once was

It flows into the nothingness
The nothingness
That your sorrow has hollowed out

It pours in
And you pour out

What isn't taken
Is given

Given to the ink
Taken by the drink

So what could be left

Of one who is taken
And given
So completely?

Nothing.

Nothing is the plain truth
The absolute answer

So order another round
Because you've run out of fight

But before you step up
For another beating

Remember you are loved
By someone
Somewhere

Even if that someone is gone
To somewhere beyond

So the next time you step up
Throw a few punches
Take a few shots
Without going numb

And take

Take from what you give
So that you might live
Live to see your next opportunity
Not only to give

But to change

To Answer My Own Question

To Answer My Own Question

There is an answer
In retrospect
But not the perfect clarity
One may be misled to believe

Time alone
Cannot be held responsible
For such an understanding
For the epiphany
Found in the present

There is an answer
In the moment
But an answer charged
By electrifying, intensifying, clouding emotions

Emotion alone
Cannot be clear
While pure and unfiltered
It must be tempered
For future's trials

There is an answer
Out of reach
But so long as the hand stretches
It might just grasp it

Stretching alone
Will only leave you stretched too thin
Across the unforgiving coals
Of impatient inactivity
So, combine your hope with action

Take a hold
Of the questions
And from them
Search for, find, and learn
From the answers

Why?

Why?

I write
So that I might
Confess
To all that I have felt

To reflect
Upon what
I have already felt
In time passed

To grow
From what
I feel here and now
In time present

To plan
For what
I both dread and hope
In time yet to come

From the Heart

From the Heart

Who could ever truly
Fall in love?

Answer this
And you may discover

The only answer
Worth knowing.

Kaleidoscope Personality

Kaleidoscope Personality

It stabs!

It stabs
Deep into me
Deeper still than any memory

Down it burrows
As if its goal
Could be found

But only within

What!?

What is this...

Dizzying
Perplexing
Consuming

Force

Drowning
In its thunderous command
Begging for its forgiveness

Ah yes,
So clear now

It could only be
The guilt I feel

When sorry is not enough
When sincerity is forsaken, mistaken
As what could only be a mask

But why?

Why must my sincerity
Fall in assumption
To the state
Of a mere mask

I wear masks, yes
As we all do

But they are merely

Masks of propriety
Professionalism
And necessity

However, before I progress
I must request
A moment of your pondering
For the following question:

Are these masks
Or propriety
Professionalism
And necessity
Even masks at all?

Perhaps I am all these things
And I call upon the facets
Of my kaleidoscope personality
When needed

But then one must ask:
At what moment
Do we capture the entirety of the kaleidoscope
In one moment?

Perhaps we don't
And perhaps
It's because of its beauty

Do not capture your beauty
Let it shine
Let it shine in all its ever-growing glory

Be the mask wearing,
Yet--no! AND genuine
Kaleidoscope
You've always been

And could always be

Within Our Light We Find the Starlight Path

Within Our Light We Find the Starlight Path

When you feel the weight
Of the nothing that is space
Remember to look within
To find the starlight path

Because it's within
The starlight path shines

It's within
The starlight path beckons

Within
The starlight path reminds you

The stars have always been watching
From within

They have always been watching

I'm Okay, Just Tired

I'm Okay, Just Tired

My life has been changed
By lies and deceit
That left me feeling broken
Left me feeling weak

Flip the coin and you'll see
My life has also been changed
Made all the better
By love once lost, regained

My life will continue
To be changed
With every lesson learned
Each new step claimed

In the name of my life
My desire to be free
An unending want
To be the best me

That I can be
That I could stand so high
But only because I've been looked at
With an introspective eye

A view built from within
Influenced from without
I have my down moments
I've had my doubt

That shame and humiliation
Creeps inside you
Telling you it's over
But that can't be true

That can't be true!

Some people pray
While others stay away
But that doesn't mean they're not trying
To find their way

In this world
That doesn't feel meant for them
A world built on a shallow meaninglessness
Lost so easy, stretched so thin

It's alright though

Don't worry

I'm fine

Just tired

Responsibility

Responsibility

It is not your place
To choose the chances
It is your place
To make them

It is your place
To make them
First for you
So you can then help
To make them for others

This is our future
A collection of chances
For something better

The only way
Your future can have a chance
Can be a chance
Is if you take
Those chances

Satiating Silence Undone

Satiating Silence Undone

In my silence
I find the time
I need
To be
Free

Free of the chronological demands
Of others
Free of their silence

For while my silence soothes
Their silence deafens

I am in no need
For the judgment
Shrouded
Yet illuminated
In their silence

Pure unforgiving
Silence of others

Let me sit, breathe, and live
In my silence

Introspection

Introspection

With tears
I tear
Into my own scars
Finding within myself
The strength to heal

The strength resides
At the end of each journey
But first I must face fear

In fear
I stand at the precipice
Of what I know
Staring out at the endlessness
Of everything I don't

The only way to cross such a chasm
Is to learn
Looking within to find
My mistakes
My triumphs
I'll need both to expand
Upon my personal precipice

I cannot lose sight
Of the ultimate goal
Which is to never reach

The End

Angel Baby: To the Future

Angel Baby: To the Future

I was once
A black, white, and blurry heartbeat
Fighting to stay alive
So that I might one day find myself
Loved

Loved by my family

I am now a voice singing loud
I am now a mind expanding out
I am now a spirit breaking free

I will be me

I will be me

Angel Baby

Angel Baby

I am a heartbeat grown loud
I am a child once silenced
I am someone's miracle
I am a gift
I am a full glow moon in the night sky

Abstract Silver

Abstract Silver

Shining, shimmering, splendid night sky
The explosives detonate, shattering the deposit
Perfume blasting my space, sauntering into the jewelry store
The cherry balm lip gloss smothers my smile, her sweet reaction to my surprise
The hard truth of my second best nature courses through my veins

Oath of the Power Ranger Corps

Oath of the Power Ranger Corps

Here we stand
In unified strength
Humble Pride
And undying dedication

Here we remain
As faceless heroes
Anonymous masks
As a shield for the innocent

Here we are
Unknown to those protected
But known
To those who protect

Here we know
Each other by name
Each other as family
Those for whom we would sacrifice

Here we sacrifice
For each other
And for those
We will forever protect

Here we will always be
Rangers of the Corps
Forever and always we will be
Power Rangers

Questions: Reprise

Questions: Reprise

Why couldn't I see
At the time of questioning
That I was asking
The wrong questions?

It is with time
They say
That one heals
But they fail to mention
What that looks like
Beyond a regained smile
And escape from solitude

It is now
With time
That I see the missed target
Was missed
Because I failed to aim at it
In the first place

So, now, I ask
With a healed heart
And clear mind
In serenity of the soul
I ask:

How?
How could I possibly begin
To thank you
For everything you were to me
And for the better person
You helped me be?

Who?
Who ever could have guessed
That this introspective catalyst
Would lead me
To new strength
New hope
New heartbeats?

Why?
Why would I ever expect
That great dreams
Would come without
Much needed wisdom
The kind of wisdom
That comes from the toughest of lessons?

When?
When will the scars fade,
I once asked.
It's now that I understand
Just how much of a paradox
That notion is.
Scars, by their very nature
Never heal, but merely fade
Fade, but never completely
And now I know
That's a beautiful thing.

What?
What is a finish line
But the starting line
For the next great opportunity?

I am grateful
And I always will be
For the questions
To which you gave me the answers

Thank you
For the heartache
And the new rhythm
I dance to
In sync with my dreams

Thank you
For the memories
That will always be
A reason to smile

Thank you
For what once was
And how it will always be
A part of what is

Questions

Questions

How?
Tell me how
It could have been different?

Who?
Tell me who
I can still hope to be
When there is nothing left
After the finish line?

Why?
Tell me why
We can't work this out
And find a way past
This uncertain certainty
Permeating
Devastating
Heartbreaking?

When?
Tell me when
You knew
There were no questions
Left to ask?

What?
Tell me what
I didn't hear
Didn't see
Couldn't feel
Until what is...
Can now only be what once was?

Cold and Calm

Cold and Calm

Have you looked
To the gray sky
When your breath
Freezes over
In the still air?

Have you noticed?

The snow falls
Ever so slowly
Hoping, in its frozen patience
To still be snow
When it lands.

Out of Gas: A Browncoat Ballad

Out of Gas

A Browncoat Ballad

According to tradition

The captain goes down with the ship

But for this captain

It’s not a matter of tradition

It’s a matter of love

For what the ship is and can be

The ship can be a place

To live like real people

The ship can be freedom

The ship is a place to share

A meal,

Monastic humor,

And surprise birthday “cakes”

The ship

Like the rest of the crew

Is a fragile thing

With its life dependant on a working system of complicated parts

According to the job description

The pilot flies the ship

But for this husband

It’s not about the job

It’s a matter of passion

For his wife more so than taking flight

The ship can be a place

To love upon first sight

The ship can unite strangers when faced with mortal fear

The ship is a place to hope

For a way to keep going

Keep flying

And stay alive

The ship

Like the rest of the crew

Wants to live

To be at home among the stars

According to assumption

The mechanic is a man

But for this young lady

It’s not about disproving assumptions

It’s a matter of listening

To the ship she loves

The ship can speak

To keep it in repair

To keep the engine turning

The ship is a place

Artificial

Made real

By mechanical efforts

The ship

Like the rest of the crew

Provides

A life worth living

According to arrangement

The companion has business to conduct

But for this very graceful woman

It’s not simply about business

It’s a matter of introspection

A longing to find something more within and without

The ship can be a place

To stay until the very end

The ship can keep you from dying alone

The ship is a place to grow

A place to know

That you’ve become more

Than you once were

The ship

Like the rest of the crew

Wasn’t the finest member

At first

According to reason

The muscle is just muscle

But for this muscle…

Well, actually,

That’s all it’s about

And he likes it just like that

The ship can be a place

With a space of your own

To do your job and get paid for doing it

The ship is a place

To work out

Stuff your face

And sharpen your knives

The ship

Like the rest of the crew

Is a fighter

And will be till the very end

The ship

And its crew

Have been shot, stabbed, and roughed up

Something fierce

But with the push of a button,

A stubborn first mate,

And an undying spirit

This ship and its crew

Can be everything

Someone could ever want to wake up to

Jaynestown: A Browncoat Ballad

Jaynestown

A Browncoat Ballad 

Canton, the land of the mudders

They make lots of mud

And take home zero cash

The crew pretends to barter

While the doctor stumbles and stutters

Now they’re face to face

With a contradicting statue

Of a man undeserving

The big one’s great shame

Away from the statue with the following eyes

The companion arrives at her next meeting

And the shepherd attends

To his strictly logical

Flock of one

Back in Canton

The crew is met with unexpected news

And then the music is played

The song of unjust praise

The big one took no notice

Of the mudders’ plight

All them years ago

He doesn’t deserve the praise of a hero

But perhaps it can be advantageous

The flock of one flees in fear

Of the over abundance of hair atop the shepherd’s head

The companion sends an overbearing father

Away from the sacred place of union

We come now

To the bridge of this here folk song

The captain has a plan

To make use of the big one’s lies

But it can’t be that easy

Not with the truth of that past

Ready to rear his ugly mug

With the inevitable price

Of past mistakes

Let loose upon the civilized doctor

The companion must use her newest client

To save the crew

The people honor their false hero

And, for once, he feels uneasy with dishonesty

The words he shares

They’re short, but they have a ring to them

That ringing is the truth

As now it comes out

From the ugly past, holding the gun

And everyone’s attention

In a moment of traumatizing sacrifice

There’s no hiding from the past

Not when your present stands in carved contradiction

The false hero knows this now to be certain

And the lying idol must be toppled

Yet, sometimes it’s not your self-perception

That matters as much

As what your image can be made to mean

By those that need it

To mean everything they believe

Our Mrs. Reynolds: A Browncoat Ballad

Our Mrs. Reynolds

A Browncoat Ballad 

The trap is laid

With flowing dresses

And pretty floral bonnets

A second trap is laid

With dance and drink

And a pretty hat made out of a tree

What once was a simple, single captain

And a seemingly simple, pretty girl

Are now a couple of most amusing circumstances

Among the jest made at the captain’s expense

Are implications of an evil, lecherous intention

And an especially hellish destination

A captain confused

Left feeling isolated from his crew

Feels also, the obligation to protect and confide in his bride

The new bride takes note of this

Makes her last move

Springing the trap

First goes the captain with a poisoned kiss

Then goes the pilot with brute force, once seduction fails

The companion is not to be fooled

The false bride flees

Leaving the crew

To their apparent doom

Waiting for this bamboozled crew

Is the end of the line

Best give the big one his favorite gun

The end of the line is broken

By a desperate plan

And a well dressed rifle

The false bride

Is the captain’s bride no more

She does live, however

To use her feminine wiles in the future

Safe: A Browncoat Ballad

Safe

A Browncoat Ballad

There are few things

More beautiful

Than the brother’s love

For his sweet baby sister

An unconditional love

For a girl unjustly undone

By a bored curiosity

From behind the hands of blue

She steps outside

Ever protected

Trying to remember

What once was

What she once was

A dancer of free spirit

While she dances

The man that claims the faith needs saving prayers

While she returns

Through dance

To what she once was

Her brother and his protective watch are taken

There was once a time

When the brother’s watch

Deciphered the code

His future sacrificed for something immeasurably more important

The brother and sister are taken

Left behind

To fend for themselves

Just like before

The hill folk have them

In their unforgiving grip

And death squeezes tight upon the preacher

With options nearly nonexistent

The doctor returns

To what he once was

And the preacher, in an unexpected way,

Does the same

Siblings share in memories

And are struck by nostalgia’s longing

For everything they had taken from them

Grateful for what they still have: one another

Tied to the stake on false charges of witchcraft

Her brother will not abandon her

As their old family did

Their new family arrives just in time

Big damn heroes

Have everyone back on board

Back home

To the unconditional love of family

With hope and smiles

The siblings now know

That their family is not just the two

It’s the preacher and the rest of the crew

Shindig: A Browncoat Ballad

Shindig

A Browncoat Ballad

Stand back and give the big one a stick

While the muscle plays his part, the thief plays his

So long as the pilot

Doesn’t crash and kill them all

The companion should arrive in time

For a mighty fancy shindig

The crew goes it separate ways

After the captain fails to appreciate the pretties

Leaving the muscle and the captain

To deal with the proper businessman with roots in the community

The businessman takes off his very fine hat

Explains the job

That requires diamonds the size of testicles

And some pretties

Thus are introduced

The lady mechanic in her fluffy pink dress

And her escort:

Captain Tightpants

A hovering chandelier

A suspicious buffet table

In need of questioning

And a man in a sash

A fancy party for some

A high stakes card game for others

There are many ways to have fun

But for the captain, disrespect cannot be a part of it

The captain isn’t the only one

Who cannot abide disrespectful, useless people

But he is one of the few

That would strike a master swordsman over just such uselessness

It’s out of the crew’s hands

The companion can’t do much to put it in the captain’s

After all, the most he knows of swordsmanship is which end to hold

Even if it’s a fight, it’s not the captain’s type of party

A crew held hostage

Another layer to the complicated girl manifests

And the captain makes his point with the companion

Making no use of even a pound of pressure

The next day

He makes his point

Against the useless man from the fancy shindig

Making use of plenty pounds of brutish pressure

It’s not the dress

It’s not the money and the food it buys

It’s not about being fancy

It’s about being useful

There’s not much use

For people who would choose to be rude

Especially when they only find use

In the superficiality of man-made wealth

So be useful

Be kind and considerate

Defend your friends and your morals

Admit to your mistakes

You don’t need to know the steps

When you walk with friends

You don’t need to wear the nicest clothes

When you wear the truth upon your sleeves

Good friends

Friends from whom you’ve earned,

And continue to earn,

Respect

That’s really the only ingredient one needs

For a mighty fine shindig

Bushwhacked: A Browncoat Ballad

Bushwhacked

A Browncoat Ballad

A ruleless bit of fun

Interrupted by ghosts of settlers

Of settlers once of something

Now reduced to less than nothing

Reduced, undone, remade into nothing by nothing

Reduced to nothing by a nothing

That was once something

Before that something made it to the edge of space

Families turned cattle

Cattle for the slaughter

Nothing can withstand the nothing

Despite this absolute truth

Curiosity leads the crew

To discover the details in the truth

Among the ship turned to nothing

There is deception aboard the ship

Nothing masquerading in the dark as something

Thus what was on the ship

Is still on that ship

And always will be

…

            …

                        …Reavers…

Work to be done

To distract from the truth needs solvin’

Nothing can distract, however, the tortured girl

From the darkness filling the infirmary, infecting serenity

Guess it’s a good thing

Good thing

Real good thing

Good—good—real good

Real good thing the feds showed up

Not even purple can escape

Can’t escape their place as cattle

When the purple is eclipsed

By equalizing slaughter

Such is the violence

The death

The process

The remaking

Of something into nothing

Nothing is what the purple obtains

From questioning the brown

Challenging their loyalty

Their loyalty to the only thing they have

Their home

Their family

Their place aboard Serenity

Stop it with your pointless dribble!

The darkness has waited long enough!

The captain must now face

The one thing that he knows

Is pure in its undeniable, undefiable truth

The captain must rescue the girl

The girl and her brother

Two of the few lights

Still flickering in the nothingness

Does it count?

Does it?

Well does it captain!?

…

Does it count as murder

When you kill a Reaver?

Does it count for anything

When you put an end to nothing?

The Alliance appears to believe

That it doesn’t count for much

The Train Job: A Browncoat Ballad

The Train Job

A Browncoat Ballad

A Browncoat in a purple belly bar

A toast to unification

Is a toast to his defeat

Good thing his ship ain’t got no guns

Amongst the brawl, contact was made

A job available from a most frightening source

The masochist aboard the space station

Proves his reputation before making the deal

Onto the train, prepared to follow the simple plan

But it can never be simple, no matter how thrilling the heroics may be

An alliance surprise

Makes it a challenge, a welcomed challenge for this former Independent Soldier

Then things get testy, iffy

Downright not shiny

As extraction is blown

And the hero title gets fuzzy

With her reputation

The companion frees the Browncoats

Once the man swinging his chain of command

Is put to down by sparkly butterflies

The title of hero is regained

With a change in mind

To match what was never changed

In the captain’s heart

A hero makes choices

Choices that define their titles

Like helping a young lady

With a head full of nightmares

It’s not every man that would even unknowingly risk confrontation

With the ruthless hands of blue

Serenity: A Browncoat Ballad

Serenity

A Browncoat Ballad

A browncoated captain picking bones

Like a vulture

With defeat in his eyes

He cannot feel victory

The bones picked were tainted

The plan: trade this problem for coin and passengers

Onto the ship they board as passengers

Only to become problems for the captain with empty pockets

A shepherd and his strawberries and spices

A well dressed young man and his very fragile cargo

One Mr. Dobson… all aboard

This would prove to be a recipe for some rather strange unpleasantness

Uncomfortable meetings and eating

Made all the more unsettling by a signal

And a secret

A few secrets, actually, a few potentially lethal secrets

The mechanic lies stable, but easily ended

Should things get worse

The fragile cargo wakes up

And the doctor’s entire secret is revealed in sorrowful narrative

On the way to plan B

The man-made devils float by, marking their prey

They return to their darkness

From which they are lethal hunters

It’s getting crowded

In the unlucky captain’s sky

Left with no choice

But to face the Browncoat fortune

A blatant double cross earns a gunman a bullet through his head

The shootout that ensues leaves the unlucky captain

With desperately needed coin and no more tainted bones

And a moment to vent recently building frustrations

They ride back, right into another standoff

The frustrated captain wastes no time

After all, they have none

Not now that the hunters have come out from the darkness

With a crafty pilot,

Genius mechanic,

And a Crazy Ivan

The prey leaves the predator burning

This is life out here in the black

Can this preacher keep his humanity, his faith?

Can this doctor keep his sister, her soul?

Can this captain keep his ship, his serenity?

This crew will keep flying

And for this captain

That’s enough, just to fly with no particular destination

To keep to the one thing they can’t take

After all, it’s how you get there

That is the worthier part

Serenity Valley: A Prelude to the Browncoat Ballads

Serenity Valley: A Prelude to the Browncoat Ballads

Despite the human nature
For human flaw and mortal weakness
The citizens of this bountiful, yet fragile sphere in space
Found the means with which to traverse and settle
Among the seemingly infinite stars

Despite the vastness
There were those who could not exist in twisted peacefulness
Not without people to control
People to change into what they deemed
Acceptable

Unbeknownst to the men and women
Clad in the brown of the soil they wished to freely roam
Without the forceful falsehood of the purple-bellied bullies
These warriors for independence
Were fighting for something so much more

More than freedom
More than their love of the land
More than the sky above their heads
More than the new blue seas
More, even than, if you could believe, serenity

It was in this battle of serenity
For serenity
That one Browncoat would lose his faith
His faith in something greater
When the wrong angels came down mercilessly upon serenity

Dawn

Dawn

We sing with lungs filled with words
Dance along to the notes we heard
Once upon a time now regained
Our spirits soar unrestrained

We have surpassed our limitations
With the aide of our secret libations
Drunk on the magic in our veins
Set free by the whimsy in our brains

So, come now and dance with me
As what was once the future becomes presently
The life we must now come to understand
Perhaps time itself will expand

With this expansion comes chance
A frightening thing at first glance
But if you were only to take a closer look
In the range of the whispering gasp you took

Your first steps, indeed, without even realizing
But now you must be more active in materializing
The beginning, the path, and the object you seek
This one true object born of the reality not bleak

The reality, instead of blinding light
A light of hope and promise, the will to fight
A very real battle across the emotional spectrum
A battle fit for deciding what you just might become

This is your new day
Your chance to stay
The amazing person you are
While adding to your repertoire

So I make of you this request
Find truth in your place among the rest
To whom my each new day belongs
To whom for which I write my songs